Final weekend getaway before the deployment in beautiful Chimney Rock, NC
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
On the Homefront
Mark has asked me to share a little about the emotions from home, and what a unique and challenging position that can be. Although I am not there in Afghanistan, home is full of it's own battles. And, honestly, considering the emotions I have already gone through, I would rather be deployed with Mark. It's such a challenge to explain. I feel like our neighbor, Katherine said it best when she came to visit me the first day Mark was gone. Having been through a 13 month deployment with her Marine husband, she said, "It's like your heart could just stop because it hurts so badly." This was exactly how I felt: My husband, my best friend and the person I love more than anyone in this world, the one I want to spend every waking second with, was simply not there one morning. The night before, in what seemed like a "Twilight Zone" experience, I watched him dress in his uniform and pack all his gear and we headed to the hangar from which his group deployed. He was issued a gun and I couldn't help but think how wrong it felt to see my wonderful, sweet husband carrying a weapon that would become his constant companion for the next year. Then, the final countdown began for when he would officially have to leave me. We stayed nearby the hangar, a time that was a blur of hugging, kissing, praying and crying. He walked me to the car and I hugged him for that one last time, my legs almost giving out on me in my distress/sadness. I got in the car, he shut the door and looked at me with tears in his eyes and, in an instant, he was off running into the darkness toward the hangar and the buses that would eventually carry him to his flight out. After I stopped crying, the silence in the car was absolutely deafening. I felt like time was simply suspended...I almost felt like I wasn't even breathing, or, as Katherine said, that my heart had just stopped. I pleaded with God that I didn't understand why we had to go through this. How was I going to get through this year when I couldn't even get out of the parking lot? Yet, how amazing that God always seems to provide the strength we need at the precise moment we need it. I did obviously get out of that parking lot and home to little Bella (who, I have no doubt, is God's special little angel to help me get through this ).
Now we are one week into the deployment. I have been so encouraged by family and friends, and, of course, by Mark. But, there are certainly good and bad days. Monday was a bad day. News of the helicopter crash sent my heart and mind reeling. I knew Mark wasn't flying, but I know there is a great chance he will be flying while he is there, in addition to his administrative duties. And, of course, I am constantly reminded this is a war zone that my precious husband has been sent into. The news is continually using terms like "mounting casualties" and "deadliest month since the war began." Then, of course, comes the dire warnings of defeat without 40,000 more troops and the lack of a decision by Obama regarding the matter. All these things seem to swirl around in my heart all day long and I literally am brought to my knees in my confusion and my need for peace from God. I would do anything to take Mark out of this situation or to assure his safety...I would, without hesitation, give my life for his. Yet, despite my lack of control, I know HE has everything under His perfect Providence and Mark in the palm of His hand, and I have never before been brought to such a place of complete surrender to the Lord. There is nothing I can do to "fix" this... I can't end this war, I can't bring Mark home right now, and I can't fall apart when Mark is counting on me to take care of things at home and to be a source of encouragement to him. But I know who I CAN count on to take care of every worry in my heart and it will be my daily battle to rest and grow in that faith. And so, that brings me back to a verse which was long ago "claimed for me" by a small group leader at my church at Texas A&M. He had been praying Isaiah 26:3 for me the whole semester and ironically, it now has come to vivid life seven years later. I have no doubt it will be a promise I continue to come back to as I pray each day for the strength to get through this year.
Now we are one week into the deployment. I have been so encouraged by family and friends, and, of course, by Mark. But, there are certainly good and bad days. Monday was a bad day. News of the helicopter crash sent my heart and mind reeling. I knew Mark wasn't flying, but I know there is a great chance he will be flying while he is there, in addition to his administrative duties. And, of course, I am constantly reminded this is a war zone that my precious husband has been sent into. The news is continually using terms like "mounting casualties" and "deadliest month since the war began." Then, of course, comes the dire warnings of defeat without 40,000 more troops and the lack of a decision by Obama regarding the matter. All these things seem to swirl around in my heart all day long and I literally am brought to my knees in my confusion and my need for peace from God. I would do anything to take Mark out of this situation or to assure his safety...I would, without hesitation, give my life for his. Yet, despite my lack of control, I know HE has everything under His perfect Providence and Mark in the palm of His hand, and I have never before been brought to such a place of complete surrender to the Lord. There is nothing I can do to "fix" this... I can't end this war, I can't bring Mark home right now, and I can't fall apart when Mark is counting on me to take care of things at home and to be a source of encouragement to him. But I know who I CAN count on to take care of every worry in my heart and it will be my daily battle to rest and grow in that faith. And so, that brings me back to a verse which was long ago "claimed for me" by a small group leader at my church at Texas A&M. He had been praying Isaiah 26:3 for me the whole semester and ironically, it now has come to vivid life seven years later. I have no doubt it will be a promise I continue to come back to as I pray each day for the strength to get through this year.
Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon you because he trusts in you."
"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon you because he trusts in you."
Monday, October 26, 2009
Week One
Well, I know it's not healthy to start counting the weeks or days yet it's good to have this first week behind us. We flew from Savannah through Ireland to Kyrgyzstan and then on to our final destination, about 30 hours total travel time. I am on Bagram, the largest base in the country and also probably the most crowded with a mix of the 3 core branches (Army, AF, Navy) and many other nations (US, UK, Poland, Germany, Canada et al.) I will post pictures of my living quarters once I am fully settled but all in all I'm content if not comfortable.
Jocelyn will write more about the emotions of this first week from her perspective as all too often the left-behind spouse's role in the deployment is not fully appreciated. We've been able to talk almost every day and now with Internet in my room we can Skype! Of course we'll continue with the old-fashioned letters but praise God for the technology to bridge the gap. With Christ as our cornerstone, communication is the mortar that will carry us through this year. The military mindset is that 'if you deploy with a great/ok marriage, you'll come home to a good/poor marriage'. If that formula holds true I'd like to think that we were on an extended 1.5 year honeymoon when I left and will reunite as precociously in love as ever!
Jocelyn will write more about the emotions of this first week from her perspective as all too often the left-behind spouse's role in the deployment is not fully appreciated. We've been able to talk almost every day and now with Internet in my room we can Skype! Of course we'll continue with the old-fashioned letters but praise God for the technology to bridge the gap. With Christ as our cornerstone, communication is the mortar that will carry us through this year. The military mindset is that 'if you deploy with a great/ok marriage, you'll come home to a good/poor marriage'. If that formula holds true I'd like to think that we were on an extended 1.5 year honeymoon when I left and will reunite as precociously in love as ever!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Round Two
My flight leaves tonight for Afghanistan and I'm planning on sending updates throughout the next year. I have decided to use a blog format in order to not clog up all of your in boxes so if you know of anyone who may appreciate these updates feel free to forward this URL.
Obviously a lot has changed since my last deployment. Now married to Jocelyn, the woman I had been waiting 27 years for (and the winner of my Valentine's contest you may recall), my priorities have shifted and my attitude is definitely different. I should not be flying this time as I will be working a logistical desk job--which is fine with my wife--so my responsibilities have changed also.
Please pray for us in this transition time as I adapt to a new environment and Jocelyn adjusts to life home alone, lest I forget our little yorkie Bella who will undoubtedly keep her company and give plenty of kisses.
Grace and Peace,
Mark & Jocelyn
